


Onomatophobia

by Redring91



Series: Dead Dwarf Peanut Gallery [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 04:02:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2908619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redring91/pseuds/Redring91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Onomatophobia – the fear of hearing a certain word or of names.</p><p>Such as ‘Schedule’ or ‘Ori, son of Zhori’ – and often prompted by the phrase “Put That Parchment Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me…!”</p><p> </p><p>A tribute inspired by the Miracle that is Determamfidd's Sansûkh</p>
            </blockquote>





	Onomatophobia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [determamfidd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/determamfidd/gifts), [mage_girl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_girl/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Sansûkh](https://archiveofourown.org/works/855528) by [determamfidd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/determamfidd/pseuds/determamfidd). 



> \--
> 
> I needed to write something to make myself smile, after having my heart torn apart by the Battle of The Five Armies. Despite all this angst and tragedy, I cling desperately to the chance for a happy ending, as promised by the Great Determamfidd in Sansûkh. Your story is a wonderful beacon of hope that helps many fans endure the heartbreak of star-crossed lovers sundered apart by canon.
> 
> And I give Kudos to Mage_Girl for requesting a vengeful Ori skit. The various Titles you suggested have all been snuck in here.
> 
> \--

\-- Onomatophobia --

\--

Ori – [violently draws lines through the schedule while muttering about Dagor Dagorath]

Kíli – Ori!

Ori – [jerks in surprise. Accidently crosses out something that was NOT supposed to be edited. Stares at the page in outrage]

Kíli – [oblivious to the approaching doom] About your schedule, I really need you to move Óin’s shift forward to tonight.

Ori – [eye begins to twitch dangerously] Why?

Kíli – Because I may have gotten into an argument with him about elves and he was being stubborn, so I need him out of the way so that I can prepare for this awesome prank, but I don’t want great-grandmother to catch me again, so it has to be done tonight.

Ori – [breaks his pen]

Kíli – Um. Ori…? [Suddenly becomes aware of the danger that has arisen]

Ori – Get. Out. Now.

Kíli – [flees]

Ori – [realises he has broken his pen] AUGH! That is it. That is IT! I have HAD it with them messing up my schedule! Sons of Durin or not, I won’t have it! I just want one week, just ONE week, with NO amendments, is that so much to ask?! [frustrated growl] Hmph! [pauses. Considers the schedule with narrowed eyes] Clearly, measures need to be taken.

\--

Ori – [storms determinedly through the hall]

Kíli – [sees Ori and promptly dives beneath the table]

Balin – [sighs] What have you done now, lad?

Kíli – Nothing! [pauses] Is he gone?

Balin – [watches Ori leave the room] Aye.

Kíli – Thank Mahal. [peeks out from behind table] Fee! We may have a problem!

\--

Ori – Nori!

Nori – [startles, pretends he didn’t, and eyes his brother warily] What?

Ori – I am having a Very Bad, Not Good Day. And I have had enough! You will help me.

Nori – [alarmed but attempts to hide it] Not with the – ! [catches himself] With what?

Ori – My schedule is being eviscerated.

Nori – [flinches at the ‘s’ word]

Ori – I. Want. Revenge.

Nori – [deflates in utter relief] Revenge’s good. Revenge I can help with.

\--

Kíli – [howls] Ori!

Random collection of dwarves in proximity – [begin snickering]

Ori – Yes?

Kíli – What happened to all of my clothes?! [clutches the bed sheet he is draped in more securely around him]

Ori – Nori acquired them for me.

Kíli – [wails]

Random collection of dwarves in proximity – [start laughing boisterously]

Ori – And you are not getting them back until my schedule runs unamended for a week.

Kíli – WHAT?!

Ori – One whole week. [turns towards the collection of laughing dwarves] And what are you lot laughing at?! Half of you have wanted changes in the past! [smiles dangerously, suddenly highlighting his resemblance to his older brother] And you REALLY don’t want to remind me of that right now!

Random collection of dwarves in proximity – [fall immediately silent; the half in question pale slightly]

Ori – Now, don’t you have a shift to attend to, Kíli?

Kíli – You expect me to go like this?!

Ori – I’d have thought that was obvious.

Kíli – [turns on his heel and stalks off. The effect is highly diminished, given how red his face is]

\--

Fíli – [collapses to his knees beside where Ori is sitting] Please call him off.

Nori – [wacks Fíli indifferently over the head with a book]

Fíli – Please, Ori!

Nori – [repeats gesture]

Fíli – He’s giving me a headache!

Nori – [repeats gesture, this time with more relish]

Ori – You know, I was going to have your punishments the other way around, given that Kíli talks more than you do.

Fíli – [opens his mouth to speak. Thinks better of it when Nori raises the book in preparation. Closes his mouth again]

Ori – But I’m not THAT angry with you just now, so I thought I’d let you make use of your restraint. [taps the newly written, clean and UNAMENDED schedule in front of him] One week, without any amendments to my schedule.

Fíli – A week?!

Nori – [thumps him with the book again]

Fíli – [muffles his outraged ‘ow!’ to avoid being struck again. Glares up at Nori, attempting to convey his question without speaking]

Nori – [shrugs] This is better than the alternative. [eyes the schedule cautiously, as if worried it might leap off the table to ensnare him]

Ori – [smiles smugly]

Fíli – [struggles with himself to stay quiet. Fails] This is somehow all uncle’s fault. Ow!

Ori – [expression darkens] I can’t believe I forgot about HIM! [stands immediately] Well, I know PRECISELY how to deal with Thorin! [strides purposefully out of the room]

Fíli – [stiffens in absolute dread before shouting desperately after Ori] Don’t tell him I reminded you! OW!

Nori – [rolls eyes] Stop whining. You should have seen the size of the book he wanted me to use; it was more than twice this big.

\--

Ori – [storms into Thorin’s forge and slams a heavy tome down upon the nearest flat surface]

Thorin – [continues stress-smithing, barely turning his head towards Ori] What's this?

Ori – This! THIS – [points emphatically] – is a complete encyclopaedia detailing the language of flowers.

Thorin – [freezes]

Ori – I have copies.

Thorin – Ah.

Ori – If you mangle my schedule this week, I swear on Durin’s beard I will give one to your BROTHER.

[Appropriately horrified silence.]

Thorin – [looks majestically contrite] Understood.

\--

Thorin – [bellows in the distance] FÍLI!

Fíli – [swears violently and flees]

Nori – [hurls book at Fíli’s head]

Fíli – OW!

Nori – [scoops up book and gives chase]

\--

Ori – [affixes the now finished schedule for the upcoming week to the door]

Thrór – [peers at schedule] Hmm. [Lifts a sheet for closer inspection]

Ori – [takes a calming breath. Takes another]

Thrór – [draws back, but continues to eye the schedule speculatively]

Ori – With all due respect, your majesty, Touch That Parchment One More Time And I Will Impale You With My Quill.

Thrór – [assesses the librarian and then bows very deeply]

Ori – [exhales and nods in a self-satisfied manner]

\---

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you are all smiling now.
> 
> Ori didn’t mention Fíli, but Thorin worked it out anyway. (After all, Kíli and his bed sheet were in the Star-pool at the time.) Thorin actually does have some semblance of common sense and occasionally makes use of it.
> 
> I like to think that no one was brave enough to suggest any changes for TWO weeks after this incident; and that the first to do so was possibly Thorin’s mother for practical and entirely justified reasons, so Ori allowed it. 
> 
> Dagor Dagorath – the ending of the world (End of Days)


End file.
